Ridiculous Sex Tips for Men

Not sure why these were even in Men's Health magazine as I'd always assumed it catered to gay men, what with using the same homoerotic picture of sculpted pectorals and ripped abs in every issue since the beginning of time.

Most sex tips articles are shite purely because they recycle stuff from the 70s – whipped cream, handcuffs, positions-that-aren’t-missionary, etc, etc.

However, this one not only re-uses bad ideas, the author just makes stuff up. Like, from his brain. Here’s one:

TIP NO. 12
“Chocolate syrup and whipped cream get all the kinky play in movies.”

Yeah, I bloody hate how they do it, that’s well unoriginal. Bet you’re not like that, Mr Men’s Health…

“Instead, turn her body into a juicer.”

Oh, you mean give her vagina whirring blades that run at two separate speeds? And a special foam separator that allows for the option of clear or cloudy juice? And a drip tray? Do you mean that? No, didn’t think so, prick.

“Then devour both her and the fruit.”

Right. And cook her in rosemary butter, like that German.

TIP NO. 21: “Ask her permission”

“Before you enter her, ask if it's okay. "Some women find it incredibly endearing," says Barnaby Barratt, Ph.D., president of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. "It gives them a sense of respect. It gives them the security to become more sexually relaxed."”

Yeah, I always find it endearing, respectful and relaxing for someone to ask for my consent before putting their penis in me. Mainly cause – now I could be wrong here – I like the feeling of NOT BEING RAPED. Yeah; yeah I think that’s it.

TIP NO. 15: “Give her a Massage”

”But make it interesting:”

By sticking your penis in her. That would work a treat. ‘Ooh, just getting a nice massage’ she’s thinking to herself, then ‘Oh! Some sex as well. That’s nice.’ That’s not what Mr Men’s Health thinks, though:

• “In hot weather, roll a chilled can of soda along the backs of her thighs.”

(Falls asleep on self)

• “Season her belly with a little salt, and then slowly lick it off. Add tequila to taste.”

I think the author’s been getting carried away with the current culinary trend for pork belly. Women aren’t tasty bacon-y snacks (and even if they were, either eat them or fuck them, mixing the two is just twisted).

• “Turn winter gloves inside out, put them on, and massage her with the soft side.”

Because there’s nothing ridiculous about the sight of a naked man wearing inside-outy gloves while looming over you.

TIP NO. 29: Get Bigger

“When you're on top, place her legs over your shoulders. This shortens her vaginal canal, so your penis feels bigger inside her.”

A shortened vaginal canal can only do so much to correct Mother Nature’s cruelly arbitrary distribution of penis sizes.

TIP NO. 28: Washing-machines are Vibrators

“"The washing machine is the biggest vibrator in the house," says Hodson. Sit on it and have her sit on top of you—the vibrations carry through your penis. Cottons get the longest, fastest spin.”

Ah yes, for a moment there I forgot I was living in the 70s. In fact, what is this before me? In-ter-net? What be that? Sex toy website? What’s a website? Here in the 70s women make full use of their household items once the day’s work is done.

TIP NO. 10: “Apply her lipstick”

Fucking hell, this is like that film with Harvey Keitel and Kate Winslet and Harvey Keitel spends the entire film either naked or wearing a clingy red dress then Kate Winslet pisses down her own leg in the desert and Harvey Keitel is crying and then he puts some lipstick on her. Or she puts lipstick on him, I can’t remember.
The point is, neither of them had very good sex in the film. And she probably smelled of piss.