The Baby Mind-Reader (Channel 5)

Have you ever seen that film with Russell Crowe? This genius mathematician is asked to carry out top-secret codebreaking work for the US government. There’s a mysterious spy popping up randomly to give him his instructions. He’s played by Ed Harris. The twist is that the whole thing was a creation of Russell Crowe’s delusional mind.

As I watched Channel 5’s ‘Extraordinary People: The Million Dollar Mind Reader’ the parallels with ‘A Beautiful Mind’ were startling. Derek Ogilvie, a guy from Paisley who believes he can read the minds of infants, was just an ordinary charlatan psychic. One day, while immersed in ‘Cold Reading for Dummies’ a tiny figure clad in a black trenchcoat shuffled into his office.

“I gotta mission for ya, Ogilvie” the figure said in a husky Brooklyn accent.

“Wh-who are you?” asked Derek shakily.

The figure peered up from under his black panama hat. Chewing on a fat cigar, the baby growled through clenched teeth “Ya don’t need to know who I am. I represent babies from all over the world. Babies desperate to articulate their innermost thoughts. You’re the only one who can help us, Derek. You must be the spokesperson for babies everywhere!”

“I can’t!” cried Derek. “No one would ever believe me! They’d think I was mad, exploitative – maybe even a bit of a paedo.”

The baby chuckled softly before exhaling a long wisp of cigar smoke.

“They’ve fallen for Derek Acorah, Sally Morgan and Mystic Meg – why wouldn’t they believe you?”

And so it was that Derek set off around the world in his unlikely quest. Success came quickly yet it was only when challenged by James Randi, a skeptic who fittingly resembled Charles Darwin, that things began to go wrong.

“Derek, you have no psychic abilities. You can’t communicate with babies.”

Tears streamed down Derek’s face. “You’re wrong! I’ll prove it to you!”

Turning to the spy-baby, he cried “Ed, tell him!”

The child gurgled nonsensically. The skeptic gently pulled Ogilvie away from the child.

“Derek, calm yourself. Your belief is called a delusion. You are a very sick man.”

Howling in anguish and disbelief, Derek allowed himself to be enveloped in Randi’s strong arms, his tears becoming gradually quieter.

“There, there” said the skeptic, patting his back, “we’re going to give you the help you need.”