Embarrassing Teen Bodies (C4)

"...So I've been getting the headaches for three months and that's why I think I have brain cancer."

The doctor stared back at me with a cold, reptilian gaze.

"And this worries you...?" He smirked while still managing to look incredibly weary.

I skulked out, humiliated. Then I went home and switched on 'Embarrassing Teenage Bodies', another TV show that promotes a Disney-esque dreamland in which general practitioners are positively eager to work tirelessly with a sick general public..

And the doctors are so cool! They get on stage at music festivals! They have names like Pixie! They take to the streets dressed as Bond and distribute condoms to youths while making flippant penis jokes!

Most of all, they want to see your repulsive, hormonally-charged body. Every single aspect of it. This is done partly out of concern for today's teens, of course, who we're led to believe are now shagging at such a frantic rate that they're creating new STDs, all by themselves (Gonophylis, Syphorrea). Largely however, its appeal lies in the 'freakshow disguised as health programme' genre, spawned by Gillian McKeith's laugh-at-the-obese-shitting-in-a-hat shows.

For all the gag-inducing close inspections that went on, it became increasingly disturbing to note the heavy use of euphemisms when referring to people's genitals. Surely, once the TV screen is filled with images of a fanny resembling war-torn Rwanda, it's time to dispense with tentatively asking to peer "down below".

It's weird when one considers that the people on this show go on an entirely voluntary basis, as most of the participants now face lives devoid of the prospect of sex.

So, this week's list is called "Becoming Celibate (And Staying That Way!)":

1) Cover yourself in fake menstrual blood while throwing it across paper. Think ‘Carrie’ meets Jackson Pollock. (It’s called a 'Period Painting', apparently).

2) Tell the whole country that you, your three brothers and your mum are unable to stop wetting the bed. Hammer the point home visually by cutting to repeated shots of your mum changing soggy sheets with a look of grim resignation.

3) Reveal to all (in gloriously technicoloured close-up) that you have a vagina which looks like [delete as applicable] a crime-scene/a dog sticking its tongue out/the Google Images result when you type in "genital herpes"