Loose Women (ITV)

Published in 'Student' in February 08, this is the unedited version:

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Watching Loose Women proves disturbing viewing for me, but not for the reasons most
people would cite, i.e. the pseudo-feminist-tone-masking-a-desperate-need-to-be porked;
the irritating 'Carry-On' style innuendo that only the 50-something audience members find
risqué or even the mysterious, somewhat exploitative reappearances of a visibly unhinged
Su Pollard as a guest on the show.

No, the thing that upsets me the most is the relentless and daily victimization of Carol
McGiffin (aka Bulldog Chewing Wasp/Chris Evans' first ex-wife).
Despite being the only presenter who ever comes close to espousing rational and
comparatively intelligent views (that is, comparative to endless euphemisms for Coleen
Nolan's tits) each day brings fresh torture for poor Carol. Bitching and bullying is an
undesirable quality in adolescent schoolgirls, but to witness it amongst a group of adult
women is nothing short of embarrassing.

The sheer injustice of The Passion of McGiffin is only compounded further by the fact
that she's not even the most dysfunctional presenter out of all of them. No, that award
most definitely goes to cruise-ship/karaoke singer Jayne MacDonald. Now, call me a
conspiracy theorist, but I have a suspicion. A while back I spent a month in bed and in
that month I watched Loose Women from start to finish, every day. This was when I began
to notice Jayne's 'peculiarity', if you will. Notice the number of times she mentions her
mother. Nothing wrong there, you're thinking, some people simply love their parents.
Except Jayne is in her 50s and lives with her mother. Goes on cruises with her. Nights
out. Nights in. To put it clearly, they spend almost every waking moment together. Is it so far-fetched to suggest there's something of a Norman Bates dynamic at
work here? You're cynical, and so was I, initially, until Jayne started talking directly
into the camera to tell Mummy MacDonald how much she loved her.
I also spent my time as an invalid coming up with the following Loose Women drinking game, which is pretty standardised as drinking games go, and works in the following way:

Take a drink each time: - Jayne MacDonald looks into the camera and speaks to her mother
- Jayne MacDonald says she's "just a lass from Yorkshire" as if it's some sort of
hallmark for no-nonsense straight-talking
- Su Pollard is a guest on the show
- Carol's alcohol problem is brought up and she tries to deny it until the other women
tear at her like vultures
- the one that was in the Bisto adverts talks in a luvvie voice about doing 'theatah'
- like a little dog, Coleen Nolan will eagerly jump onto any male guest, attractive or
otherwise, and dry-hump his leg, until one of the other women reminds her of her husband
and she slides off, panting and slightly flushed.